This is my baby girl, Alice. She was born right on her due date, August 11th, 2016 at 12:29 PM. Alice was always the perfect baby. She slept through the night from the time she was 3 weeks old, took to nursing instantly, never fussed unless she had a need, and watched the world with wide, wondering eyes. I always told her she was “too perfect”, but I never knew how right I was.
On January 5th, 2017, Alice died. I was shocked. I’m still shocked. She only lived 4 months and 25 days, but she completely changed my life. Losing a child is hard. It’s permanent. It’s isolating. It’s lonely. It’s as bad as you imagine, and way worse, but one thing I have been impressed by throughout this horrible, dark time is that so many people want to help. People don’t know what to do, or say, or not say, or when to visit, or when to not visit, or what gifts to give, or what dinners to make, or what questions to ask. It’s a complicated trial that is deeply personal, but I hope to help those who have experienced it, will experience it or know somebody who has or will experience it, to navigate those deep, murky, shark-infested waters with a little bit more ease. Some of what I post here will be sad, maybe even a little bit disturbing, but the bulk of what I share will be uplifting, encouraging ways to cope and to help others do the same. I will offer advice and information that only someone who has done this before can offer. While I was trying to make arrangements after Alice passed, there were questions I didn’t even know I had, desires I didn’t know were there, and wounds I didn’t realize needed to be healed. I want to help preemptively answer these questions, grant these desires, and heal these wounds for others. Maybe it’s selfish, but I guess I hope that if I can make others experiences a little less confusing, then Alice’s 4 months and 25 days of life, and maybe even her death, can have a little more meaning.
I hope you’ll join me on this journey, share your thoughts and ideas, send me your questions and concerns, share things you find helpful with others and then, as the proverb says, “Thee lift me and I'll lift thee and we'll ascend together".